


Dipper Goes to McDonalds

by trashy_cans (nhiwi)



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Food Service, Attempt at Humor, Human Bill Cipher, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:10:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3948343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nhiwi/pseuds/trashy_cans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five miles away from Gravity Falls is a McDonald's that nobody had ever heard about, with a very eccentric drive thru employee. Dipper would know, since he had the pleasure of meeting said employee at midnight on a Saturday morning.</p><p>“Dipper. Dipper, answer me honestly. Do you have a thing for the drive thru boy?”</p><p>Disclaimer: NOT A DIPPER GOES TO TACOBELL PARODY OR SATIRE. IN FACT, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dipper Goes to McDonalds

**Author's Note:**

> The title is not my idea, but I'm dedicating this fic to the person who titled it. So this is for Vivian, aka billdipandchips on tumblr.
> 
> This story is un-beta-ed. Please forgive me for any and all mechanical errors.

Dipper huffed in frustration. His hands gripped his steering wheel and his stomach growled loudly. It was a good thing he was alone in his car, Dipper thought as he squint at the bright light of the drive through menu. Otherwise that growling would have been embarrassing. 

The clock on the car dashboard read 11:54 PM, above the text that informed Dipper that he was listening to the Top 40 Hits on the radio. The summer night air was cool, much better than the humid weather during the day, so Dipper had rolled down his window. Not that the air conditioning in this hunk of junk worked. It was 11:56PM on a Friday night and Dipper was five miles away from town where he stopped by the first brand fast food drive through he could find, which happened to be McDonald’s.

“Hello and welcome to McDonald’s, how may I help you?” a voice cracked out from the drive thru speakers.

“ Can I get a ten piece chicken nugget combo– actually make it forty pieces, large drink, and large fries. Thanks.”

“Whoa there, party tonight, Bucko? Or maybe you got the munchies.”

Dipper blinked at the comment. He was clearly surprised since he didn’t expect anything other than a comment to drive up to the next window. “No, just for me. Maybe if I make myself bloated then I can fall asleep, even to the sound of screaming girls.”

“Screaming girls? Murder?” the voice asked. Dipper could hear the amusement in it.

“What? No– look can I just get my total, please?”

“Drive up to the first window please!” the voice sang.

And Dipper complied. As his car rolled to a gentle stop at the register window, the clock hit midnight, and a blond young man, who looked Dipper’s age if not slightly older, stuck his head out and gave Dipper a large grin.

“Hiya Pine Tree!”

“What?” Dipper retreated back briefly when the strange stuck his arm out and pointed at the pine tree on his cap. “Oh, sure. Umm okay. How much do I owe?”

In the process of the stranger reaching over into his car window, Dipper was able to get a glimpse of a shiny white name tag that read ‘Bill.’

“Seventeen eighty-six,” Bill said cheerily (a bit too cheerily for a McDonalds employee working the drive thru at midnight). “So Pine Tree, how is a little skinny thing like you going to eat all forty nuggets and large extras?” he asked as Dipper rummaged through his wallet.

“Excuse me?” Dipper replied incredulously. “Isn’t this like, rude and unprofessional, or something?”

Bill scoffed. “Kid, please. This is a McDonald’s located five miles away from a nobody town. We don’t get much company here, so what’s wrong with a little small talk, no?” He took the twenty dollar bill that Dipper handed him and turned to the register. “So come on, Pine Tree. Entertain a brother for a night and tell good ol me here what you’re planning to do with forty nuggets and large assets.”

Dipper warily accepted the change that Bill handed to him. “Umm, I’m planning to eat it. Maybe share it with my twin sister and her friends or something if I don’t finish, I dunno.”

“Ketchup?”

“Ranch, please.”

“Are you trying to win a lucky girl over with nuggets? Planning to make a move on a gal in your sister’s friend group?” Bill teased. He grabbed a handful of ranch and shoved it into the bag. “Here you go. Let me just grab your drink.”

Dipper nodded in gratitude and took the bag from the drive thru window. “No. Not really interested in any of them.”

“Have a girlfriend?”

“No, I'm single, but it's not that.”

“Into guys?”

“Umm, no, it...doesn’t matter for me,” Dipper mumbled as he placed the bag of food onto the passenger seat.

When he turned back, Bill was holding Dipper’s drink out of the window, and Dipper took it.

“Thanks.”

“Have a good day!” the blond chirped as he waved Dipper off.

\----

“Hey it’s you again, Pine Tree!”

“Huh?”

“Forgot about little ol me already? I’m hurt. What can I get for ya today?”

“Oh! Umm, I have a pretty big order tonight. Can I get four big macs, sixty chicken nuggets, ten McChicken sandwiches, four large fries, and seven large drinks?” Dipper said as he leaned out of the window to talk into the speaker.

“Yeesh, Pine Tree! What are you doing with that much food at midnight? Give it wild bears?”

Dipper laughed lightly at the fake horrified tone that Bill took on. “Yeah, I guess you can say that. But no, umm, apparently no one else in this town knew that there was a McDonald's five miles away. I guess they never bothered to check, so when I came back with chicken nuggets that doesn't taste like dust and mold last week, my friends freaked out. So now they send me to do food run as they set up for movie night.”

“Drive up to the window please!”

Dipper released the brake pedal and let his ca roll up slowly to the window where Bill was resting against the frame, waiting for him.

“So you're their errand boy?” he asked. “By the way, that will be six billion dollars.”

“I mean, I'm the only one who knew where this place was, so I didn't mind.” Dipper reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash that the gang had tossed to him on his way out to the car. “Uhh, I think this should be enough.” Dipper dropped the fistful of cash into Bill's extended hand. “My sister wanted to tag along, but she was getting her nails done.”

“Sounds fun. Better than sitting here for hours waiting for people to show up, anyways,” Bill said, punching the register to get it open. “You're like, my only source of entertainment in this dreary place.” He collected the change and handed it to Dipper. “No one even knows this McDonald's even exists, yet somehow it's still a good idea to keep this branch open. Capitalism. Humans are so stupid and greedy,” he said with a loud laugh that startled Dipper. “Anyways, hang on while I grab your food.”

Dipper nodded and leaned back into his seat and waited. “Hey!” he called out, not sure if Bill could hear him.

“What!”

Guess he did.

“Where are you from?” Dipper asked.

“Gravity Falls,” Bill replied as he came back with an armful of bags. “Phew! Okay. Just...take these first. Then I'll grab you your drinks. Ranch?”

Dipper was surprised he remembered, but then again, he thought about what Bill said about the lack of customers at this branch, so maybe it's not at all surprising. “Umm, just throw in a mix. They didn't tell me what they wanted. And really? Gravity Falls? I've never seen your face around before, and I basically know the whole town.”

Bill said nothing, but handed Dipper the drinks one at a time. “Guess you don't know it well enough. Have a good movie night!” he said and closed the drive thru window before Dipper could ask anymore questions.

\----

Dipper grabbed his keys off the key rack and was about to open the door to the shack when Mabel stepped between him and the door. “What the-- Mabel, what are you doing?”

“Dipper. You've been going to McDonald’s every Friday night...Saturday morning... whatever! For like, the past three months! What's up with that, Bro bro? I mean, I get if you're like craving a burger every now and then, but this is like a weekly thing for you. What's up with that?”

Dipper rubbed his upper arm sheepishly and glared weakly at Mabel. “Nothing! I'm just really in the mood for a burgers. And maybe I want it to be like...McDonald’s Saturdays or something.”

“Every Saturday at midnight? Come on Dipper. Why not at like, I don't know, three sixteen in the afternoon?”

“Well I don't know...I-- LOOK! I SEE A CUTE BOY BY THE WINDOW!” Dipper shouted, pointing at the window across the room. When Mabel whipped her head to look, Dipper took the chance to dodge around her and sprinted out the door to the car. From behind him, he could hear Mabel's frustrated huffing as she shout at him. “I'll buy you a happy meal!” he promised as he got into the car and backed it up as quickly as he could before Mabel could reach.

His adrenaline was still pumping through him as he reached the drive thru, and Dipper was wheezing and breathing heavily as he tried to order.

“O-one... One number one combo please. And...oh my god give me a minute. … …. And one happy meal please, with the glitteriest and most sparkly toy you have.”

“Geez, Pine Tree. What's up with you. Are the cops chasing you or what? Ran over a man and killed him? Committed a bank robbery? You sound like you ran a marathon, except you're sitting in your car.”

“Don't... Don't worry about it, Bill. Just tell me you got the order.”

“Yeah, got cha. A big mac mambo combo and a happy meal with a toy that looks like it was dropped into a bucket of fairy dust, right?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Pull up to the next window please!”

As Dipper pulled up to the window, the sound of Bill's laughter reached his ears and he felt his cheeks heat up. “Bill, it's not funny.”

“It's pretty funny, Kiddo,” Bill cackled, wiping a tear from his face. He took a few more seconds to laugh at Dipper's exasperated face. “Phew! What a good laugh! That will be two infants. Fork it over.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dipper grumbled as he shoved the money at Bill. “And stop calling me Kiddo. We're like the same age and I'm in college.”

“What year?”

“Freshman.”

Bill grinned and threw the change into Dipper's window and 'WHOOP'-ed when all of it hit Dipper's face. “Fresh meat means you're still younger than me by a bit. So I can still call you Kiddo. By the way, the most fairy puke toy I can find is this gnome thing that projects rainbow lights when you press down on it's hat. Is that cool?”

“Yeah, whatever. Just get me my damn food.”

“Tsk, tsk. The food service industry no longer gets any respect anymore. We're humans too, you know,” Bill said, then proceeded to laugh as if he told Dipper the funniest joke of the year. “Hahaha, but seriously kid, what's with the adrenaline?”

Dipper rolled his eyes. “First of all, you just threw my change at my face, and this isn't the first time either. Hard to respect someone who does that. Secondly, I was trying to get away from my sister so I could drive here and it took a while. She was wondering why I was coming here every Saturday morning at midnight.”

Bill snorted. “Here,” he said, handing Dipper the happy meal box and big mac bag. He took a while with the drink, but got it to Dipper eventually. “So why do you come here every Saturday morning at midnight, Pine Tree?”

“Thanks for the food, Bill,” Dipper said as he rolled up his window instead of answer, smirking at the offended and incredulous look on Bill's face. Now Bill knows it feels to be on the receiving end.

When Dipper got back to the shack and quelled his sister's anger with the happy meal, he noticed black marking on his hand when he put down his drink. On the cup in smudged writing, written in black sharpie was what Dipper assumed was Bill's work schedule.

\---

Dipper nearly spilled his drink from behind the counter when Mabel kicked the door to the shack opened. Of course, Dipper was not the only one startled. An old lady nearly knocked over the postcard rack at Mabel's sudden entrance, but before he could say anything, Mabel threw the car keys onto the counter and snatched her brother's wrist and dragged him into the living room. Then she spun around and Dipper does not like the grin she has on her face.

“You.”

“M-Me?”

“Yes, you,” Mabel said with a giddy giggle, shoving at Dipper playfully. “You think you're so smart just because you stopped going to McDonalds at the same time every week, don't you. But I noticed the writing on your cup two weeks ago! So when you were done with it, I dug through the trash--”

“Ew! Mabel, that's disgusting!” Dipper exclaimed.

“Sssh, as if you haven't done that before. Anyways! I noticed that there was some kind of schedule written on it, and you always went out to McDonald's on one of those times and day. So I waited and since you went on Monday at eight A.M, I decided to go today at three P.M and guess who I met.”

Dipper groaned and covered his face.

“Dipper. Dipper, answer me honestly. Do you have a thing for the drive thru boy?” Mabel said with a giggle.

“WHAT? NO!” Dipper shouted, his cheeks bright red with embarrassment that his sister would even ask him that question. “No! I don't know what you're talking about, Mabel!”

“Don't you? When why was it when I pulled up to the drive thru window, the first thing Blondie did was point to me and shouted 'YOU MUST BE THE TWIN,' hmm? By the way, he is seriously hot, why didn't you tell me the drive thru boy was hot? Unless you were planning to keep him to yourself because you have the hots for him! HAH! Mabel you genius! Plus you're not looking at me in the face. Admit it, you have a thing for the drive thru boy.”

Dipper dragged his hand down his face. “God, Mabel. No! No, I don't! I don't know what you're talking about!”

“I'm talking about how you've been talking to drive thru boy for like four and a half months now through the McDonald's drive thru and you haven't even told him your name! He had to ask me! But you know, if you wanna keep denying it, then I guess I'll just have to keep his number,” she sang as she pulled out a piece of napkin and waved it in front of his face. “Maybe I should ask him out.”

“What-- Bill gave you his number?”

“Bill? Whaaaat? I thought you said that you don't know what I was talking about. I guess he doesn't know what he was talking about either when he said 'Can you give this to Pine Trees?'”

Dipper huffed and brushed past Mabel.

“Dipper!” she shouted after him, but Dipper ignored his sister as he grabbed the keys off the counter and headed for the door.

\---

“Hello and welcome to McDonald's, how may I--”

“You gave her your number?”

“Pine Tree! Hey! How are ya?”

“Bill! Answer my question!”

“You know, Pine Tree, drive thru's are for in car, on the go orders, not for conversations.”

“Don't be cheeky with me, Bill. But seriously? You gave her your number to give to me? Why didn't you just give it to me directly?”

“I don't know. Maybe because you never asked?”

“Did she ask?”

“Nope! What can I get for you?”

Dipper shouted out in frustration and smacked his horn. He couldn't help but feel a bit satisfied when he heard an “OW! MY EARS!” through the little speaker. “I want a medium drink and a talk. Maybe like an explanation or something.”

“That will be six gold bars when you pull up to the next window, please!” Bill replied before the speaker cut off.

As the car pulled up, Bill was standing behind a closed window with a smirk. Dipper rolled his eyes and glared at the McDonald's employee until Bill gave in and opened the window.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Bill asked, leaning onto the frame, chin in hand.

“Doyoulikeme?” Dipper blurted out without thinking. He immediately regretted it the second the phrased slipped out, though. “Oh my god, wait. I didn't-- I meant--”

“Yeah, I like you.”

“What now?”

“But this is highly unethical of me to be talking to you about this on the job when I should be getting your order. Oops, haha, well will you look at that! There seems to be a complication and an error in your order! Can you drive to the front please?”

“What? Bill, I'm serious right now. I want to talk about all of this.”

“And I will gladly help you...if you drive up to the front. It'll just take a couple of minutes.” Bill winked and slammed the window closed, giving Dipper no other options than to drive up to the front of the McDonald's and park in a random parking spot.

He drummed his fingers onto the steering wheel nervously as he waited for... well, Dipper wasn't sure what he was waiting for. So when someone was knocking on his window, Dipper jerked forward in surprise and rolled down his window.

“Bill?”

“Hey, can you unlock the car?”

“Umm...”

“Just do it, Pine Tree.”

“Oh...kay,” Dipper said slowly as he unlocked the car. Bill smiled and made his way over to the passenger side where he opened the door and got in. “Bill. What are you doing?”

“Here you go, sir, your medium drink! However, I had some complications with the second part of your order, so I hope I could fix that up with a date.”

“Wha--”

“Look, Dipper. I think you're cute, you probably think I'm hot, and you're going to take me out on a date. Right now. Oh, also, my shift is over so this is like a free ride home.”

Dipper gaped at Bill and Bill just shrugged and place the drink into the cup holder. “I-I-I...I didn't even pay for that.”

A moment of silence crossed them before Bill threw his head back and started cackling loudly.

“Oh my god, is that the first thing that comes into your head? I literally just asked you out on a date and made myself comfortable in your passenger seat and you tell me that you haven't paid for your drink yet. Kiddo, you're both cute and a riot! Whoo! Don't sweat it, Pine Tree. Drink's on me since this is our first date after all. Come on, buckle up. I'm tired.”

“You probably had like four customers today.”

“Oh look! You can talk again! Come on, can't you be a bit more excited for our date?” Bill asked, turning to Dipper with a wide grin.

Dipper took a deep breath...and then started laughing. Bill blinked, not exactly expecting that sort of response from Dipper. Nor was he expecting Dipper to laugh hysterically for so long. In fact, after a while, Bill joined in and started to laugh with him.

“Y-You. You're not normal, are you?” Dipper said in between breaths, as he tried to calm down from his laughing fit.

“When am I ever?”

“I can't believe you had to ask my sister for my name instead of just asking me directly.”

“Hey, it's been four and half month and you never gave me a name. It felt weird to say 'Hey! We've been talking for four months now, so what's your name?'”

“Too weird, even for you?”

“Even for me. Hey! You know what, actually, I take it back. You can pay for your drink with a kiss. Deal?"

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so tired at looking at this fic that everything looks bad to me. Sorry if it is, but I wrote this at like 2AM for three days and I'm positing it at 1:30AM. I hope everyone is IC here.


End file.
